If you don't keep it up, you will lose it.
Well that's half true. The truth is probably closer to something like if you don't focus and constantly refocus your attention, you will forget it. Which sounds more plausible really because that's what's really going on. I had an amazing experience a little less than a year ago. I feel like the beautiful period lasted maybe two months, while the incredible awareness lasted for maybe two weeks. Either way, I stopped paying attention to it and I lost it.
What I discount now and especially during the period immediately after I "lost" it (forgot it), is that I did so much to get myself there. What's there? I guess in general I'm speaking of this way of life that is in constant flow and your underlying feeling is joy. Not really happy like crazy manic happiness but just a sense of deep peace and joy for the miracle that is you and life as it relates to you. A space where creation just happens so naturally and normally that you wonder if you ever had a thought that you don't create.
I've been going back to basics, back to my practices that helped me get there. When I look back on records that I have, I realized I did so much more to get myself there than I think I did. I was really really focused on the "I love myself" practice. My commitment was much much more fierce than the maybe 10+ times I've retried (not including days like today where it's just upon waking up then it fades away within a few minutes) to commit myself to the practice. I think I was just in such a bad period before that that I had a REALLY STRONG reason and contrasting feeling to do it.
But I stopped shortly after I was in a relationship with my wonderful fiance. I guess I thought I got things handled now after such a huge transformation.
Here's the thing. During the time period I was in a state of strong awareness, I experienced so "directly" that we are creators. In reality we are always creating, we just don't know it. And then we think we don't, thus creating the experience that we don't...which just proves that we do create. But anyways, during this time, I knew we create, and I just did it. Everything that was crossing my mind as a desire was coming true in less than two days.
Anyways as I stopped my practice of focusing my thoughts, my ability to create "directly" (as I describe) was dwindling and trickling away, and I started getting worried and nervous which obviously was just crowding out any remaining good stuff...and then stuff started hitting the fan and then here I am again. Well it's not exactly the same but I was pretty dejected as my base underlying feeling again. Maybe worse since I had "solid proof" that the stuff works. I went into fight mode and fix-it mode and of course it just made things worse and worse.
We really gotta tune into our feelings and love ourselves. I found that you gotta do these things otherwise you just won't get there. I guess I'm generalizing, but if there is another way someone oughta let me know. I mean I know of some other teachers and masters who have done things other ways, but I think for the vast majority of us who are making a living not by "directly" teaching, we have to do what the teachers are telling us to do. We gotta honour their words and do these things.
I'm going back to the basics and back to where I started,
Catt xxx
